Note: I’ve written a few poems about World of Warcraft, okay? Stop looking at me that way. The events in this poem actually happened as described. While leveling in WoW Classic, I got camped by a higher level Shaman who ran away immediately as soon as a similarly-leveled opponent came along. It was originally posted to Reddit where it received no love at all (sigh). I have mixed feelings about the enormous amount of time I put into WoW; it was very much an addiction, but perhaps not totally devoid of merits, though certainly not worth the many costs. I permanently deleted my WoW account (along with almost all my video games and social media) in May of this year. (DL, Dec. 10, 2022)
Uka the Shaman, mighty and bold,
Like Vol’jin, and Zekhan, and Thex.
He’s stronger than you if you aren’t very old,
So watch out, he’s ready to flex.
One pleasant day in Hillsbrad they say
He found him a 32 warrior.
With “Calooh! Callay!” he entered the fray,
Just right for a 41 shaman.
The battle was hard (that clutch heal was timely),
But finally he finished his foe.
Pleased with himself (he’d battled sublimely),
He spit on the corpse he’d laid low.
Then he sat on his raptor on guard for the fallen,
To show he was better than him.
As soon as he rezzed he set straight to brawlin’,
Then spit on his corpse again.
Over and over, he conquered his man,
(Though sometimes it was a close shave).
He teabagged and laughed, a jovial fan
Of the prowess of Uka the Brave.
Then all of a sudden a 41 rogue
Sapped the shit out of Uka the shaman.
It was then that he felt it was time to prorogue
His fight with the dangerous warrior.
Fighting a warrior is one thing you see,
When his level is appropriately low.
But fighting a rogue the same level as he
Takes more plum than he’s willing to show.
The rogue kicked his ass (right away so they say),
And poor Uka, he rezzed in the bushes.
Then fast as he could he scurried away,
Like manure that a bulldozer pushes.
Adventurers all, remember this tale,
Whenever you feel overpowered.
It’s better to fight those who are bigger and fail,
Than be a pussy like Uka the Coward.
—David Jackson Lohnes
2019
Notes:
Uka – another player that I encountered while playing. He was almost ten levels higher than me, a significant difference in a 1 vs 1 fight.
the Shaman – Shaman is an in-game class in World of Warcraft. Shaman are masters of elemental magic (air, water, earth, fire) and aided by elemental spirits. They’re sort of like benders from the Avatar: The Last Airbender series, but can manipulate all four elements. In Classic WoW only players aligned with the Horde could be shaman. The Alliance had access to paladins, holy knights of light, instead.
Vol’jin – A famous and powerful troll shaman in WoW both in game and in lore. Faction leader of the Darkspear trolls and later Warchief of the Horde.
Zekhan – Zappy Boi. A troll shaman made famous within the WoW community through two Blizzard cinematic trailers.
Thex – player name for a troll shaman that became a Reddit meme in the WoW community leading up to Wow: Classic launch.
Hillsbrad – zone in WoW famous for massive amounts of player-vs-player combat.
a 32 warrior – Me. Warrior is another in-game class in WoW. They are physical damage dealers and masters of all sorts of weapons and armor. In WoW: Classic they were famous for their ability to protect other players from monsters which is what made them by far my favorite class to play in WoW. Over the ~10 years I played the game, I played warrior almost exclusively.
warrior / shaman – twice I break rhyme to match the two contending classes against each other, first warrior against shaman in lines 6 and 8 at the start of the fight, then shaman against warrior in lines 22 and 24 at the end of it. The warrior is there first and stands last.
“Calooh! Callay!” – a humorous reference to Lewis Carroll’s “Jabberwocky”
clutch heal – Shaman can heal themselves during combat. Warriors cannot. The fact that a shaman who significantly outleveled his opponent needed a last-minute emergency heal to survive the fight reflects poorly on his prowess.
timely / sublimely – a feminine rhyme, so called because of the unstressed syllables at the end. There are a few more.
spit – the /spit emote is a common way to disrespect enemies in game.
his raptor – a player mount (native to trolls) that allows for much faster overland travel. By mounting up, a player who’s camping another player’s corpse has a speed advantage when trying to catch them after they resurrect.
he rezzed – After being killed, a player can resurrect after they’ve run their ghost back to their corpse. If your corpse is being camped by another player waiting to kill you again (usually a sign of anger or an act of bullying against lower players), you can try to rez somewhat away from your corpse location and sneak away. I almost never did this. I would rez right on my body, and if they wanted to kill me again, they could kill me. I almost never ran from a fight, even though I almost always lost because I was bad at the game.
teabagged – a disrespectful gesture whereby a victorious player asserts dominance over their defeated foe by rapidly and repeatedly sitting on their head. Has sexual overtones.
a 41 rogue – a passing player of my faction. Rogues are designed to excel in player vs. player combat and have many abilities that allow them to evade damage and stun their opponents while dealing massive damage.
Sapped – a sneak attack that stuns and incapacitates an enemy player.
he rezzed in the bushes – because he wanted to sneak away.